Mother Nature recently failed in her attempt to murder 34-year-old Meera Thangarajah by afflicting her with an ectopic pregnancy inside her ovary. Despite the fact that the ectopic pregnancy was discovered at the last possible minute, with the ovary walls stretched so paper-thin that the obstetrician could see the baby’s hair, doctors were able to thwart Mother Nature’s will and rescue Thangarajah and baby Durga from certain death.

The Mutant Chicken Network’s expert meteorologists are predicting severe thunderstorms and, possibly, natural disasters this weekend as Mother Nature vents the frustration from her utter and absolute failure.

BBC: Aussie straps in beer, not child

Constable Wayne Burnett said: “I haven’t ever seen something like this before.

“This is the first time that the beer has taken priority over a child… The child was sitting in the lump in the centre, unrestrained.”

When Constable Burnett handed over the fine he said the driver “just looked at me blankly”.

“He didn’t get it,” Constable Burnett said.

“I asked him about the fact the child was unrestrained and the beer was, and he said he didn’t know anything about it.”

Yes! It’s about damn time someone realized that a kid being thrown through the windshield is nothing compared to the tragedy of unrestrained beer! How many beers will have to be lost before we all wake up and reform our priorities as this brave man has done?

Yahoo: Happy Mother’s Day: Woman pregnant with 18th child

The Duggars have announced that Duggar Spawn #18 is due at New Year’s.

“We’ve had three in January, three in December. Those two months are a busy time for us,” she said, laughing.

Oh dear god.

Wut, u thot it was ownlee for kittehs?

CNN: Custom wetsuit protects patchy penguin

Pierre, a venerable 25 years old, was going bald, which left him with an embarrassingly exposed, pale pink behind.

Unlike marine mammals, which have a layer of blubber to keep them warm, penguins rely on their waterproof feathers. Without them, Pierre was unwilling to plunge into the academy’s penguin tank and ended up shivering on the sidelines while his 19 peers played in the water.

“He was cold; he would shake,” said Pam Schaller, a senior aquatic biologist at the academy.

Yes, that’s what Pierre wants you to believe.

On a recent visit, Pierre waddled around the tank, taking brief dips and standing on a rock next to his mate. He blended in well, although he was the only penguin with a black tummy.

And now the truth comes out. Our sources believe that Pierre’s wetsuit may enable him to stealth out of the zoo and deliver instructions to other executors of The Plan!! Beware, the final LOLReckoning may be at hand.

You know why? ‘Cause Mecca is the “center of the Earth!” Yeah, even though it’s, in fact, no where near the actual center of the planet (that would be the molten core in the middle, guys).

BBC: Muslim call to adopt Mecca time

One geologist argued that unlike other longitudes, Mecca’s was in perfect alignment to magnetic north.

Magnetic north moves, geniuses. What are you going to do when magnetic north moves into “perfect alignment” with Cleveland or Tokyo or Timbuktu? You might want to think these asinine arguments through before you make them.

He said the English had imposed GMT on the rest of the world by force when Britain was a big colonial power, and it was about time that changed.

Be that as it may, there isn’t any city on the planet that would be any less of an arbitrary choice than Greenwich is, and I fail to see why it would be any more appropriate for you guys to impose your time standard on the world by force. All the cool kids are calling it UTC now, anyway.

But if you really, really want to coordinate your time zones from Mecca… what’s stopping you? Just make up your own special time standard, call it “Universal Muslim Time”, and use it among yourselves all you want. But don’t expect the rest of us to care.

Via Londonist, Salon, and others, London BNP leader Nick Eriksen blogged (back in 2005, apparently) that, since women enjoy sex, being raped is just like being force-fed chocolate cake. He has deleted the post from his blog (after the public uproar started, presumably), but Google knows all:

Rape is simply sex (I am talking about ‘husband-rape’ here, for those who deliberately seek to misunderstand me). Women enjoy sex, so this type of ‘rape’ cannot be such a terrible physical ordeal. To suggest that rape, when conducted without violence, is a serious crime is like suggesting that force feeding a woman chocolate cake is a heinous offence. A woman would be more inconvenienced by having her handbag snatched.

Amid the calls for Eriksen to spend some time in prison so that he can find out what rape is really like, one Salon commenter made an excellent point: Actually, being force-fed chocolate cake would be a horrible experience — because having food involuntarily shoved down your throat is a horrible experience. Just like having a penis involuntarily shoved in your vagina is a horrible experience, even if you might have enjoyed it under other circumstances.

Eriksen essentially is trying to argue that any kind of rape other than the “stranger jumps out of the bushes” scenario “doesn’t count”. As if a guy you went out on a date with, or even married, but now has decided he has a right to your body whether you think so or not is going to be a considerate lover. Even if it were non-violent, the betrayal of having someone you trusted, or maybe even promised to love for the rest of your life, completely turn on you would more than make up for the lack of bruises.

Nick Eriksen is worse than just a misogynist. He is completely devoid of human empathy.

From Friendly Atheist via Spazeboy, MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann has named bigoted wanna-be fascist Rep. Davis tonight’s “worst person in the world”.

Preach it, brother! It’s great to see this hit the mainstream media. We may get some justice after all.

It was just another day at polar bear Knut’s enclosure at the Berlin Zoo. The bear handlers fed Knut his usual lunch of tossed garden salad and a tofu burger. But then… something happened to Knut. He got a strange, frightening look in his eyes. A… feral look. He walked over to the “Friends of Knut” carp pond, looking like a bear possessed. What happened next shocked passersby to their very core.

“It was horrible!” said an eyewitness. “He just snatched those poor, defenseless fish out of the pond with his teeth!”

“I’ll never be able to come back to this zoo again,” said another zoo visitor with two small children in tow. “I just don’t know how I’m going to explain this to Katie and Mikey.”

Zoo officials are still struggling to make sense of it all. Plans to allow local elementary school children to have a “teddy bear picnic” with Knut are hurriedly being cancelled.

When Wendy Petherick was attacked by a crocodile in Litchfield National Park, something extraordinary… something supernatural happened. Her husband, Norm, felt himself filled with the bemulletted spirit of Steve Irwin.

“I don’t know what came over me,” says Norm. “I just yelled, ‘Crikey! I’ll save you!’ and then I jumped on the croc and wrestled him to the ground as if I’d been doing it for years. It was fun. Maybe I’ll start doing it for a living.”

An eyewitness added, “I knew he would be back someday. May the spirit of Steve Irwin watch over us all.”

Ich habe schon jetzt von dem Spiegel gehört, dass LiveLeak den Film “Fitna” von ihren Servern entfernen musste. Zwar ist es ein trauriger Tag für die Menschenrechte im Internet.

For those who don’t speak German, here’s an article auf englisch.

During the day that the film was available, it prompted widespread condemnation. On Friday, United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon decried Fitna as hate speech.

“I condemn, in the strongest terms, the airing of Geert Wilders’ offensively anti-Islamic film,” said Ban in a statement. “There is no justification for hate speech or incitement to violence. The right of free expression is not at stake here. I acknowledge the efforts of the Government of the Netherlands to stop the broadcast of this film, and appeal for calm to those understandably offended by it. Freedom must always be accompanied by social responsibility.”

Incitement to violence, eh? Spoken like someone who hasn’t even seen the movie. Fitna calls for Europe to defeat Islamic ideology and for Muslims to excise the violent verses from the Quran. It does not call for violence against Muslims. So far the only people who have been incited to violence are the Muslims themselves (as usual). Nice “religion of peace” you’ve got there, guys.

This is the statement that the LiveLeaks staff has put up in place of the video:

Following threats to our staff of a very serious nature, and some ill informed reports from certain corners of the British media that could directly affect the safety of some staff members, LiveLeak has been left with no other choice but to remove Fitna from our servers.

This is a sad day for freedom of speech on the net but we have to place the safety and well being of our staff above all else. We would like to thank the thousands of people, from all backgrounds and religions, who gave us their support. They realised LiveLeak.com is a vehicle for many opinions and not just for the support of one.

Perhaps there is still hope that this situation may produce a discussion that could benefit and educate all of us as to how we can accept one anothers culture.

We stood for what we believe in, the ability to be heard, but in the end the price was too high.

Fortunately, it was also available for download before LiveLeak pulled it, which means hopefully there are many brave souls on the internets who will be willing to mirror or torrent it. The terrorists will not win.

Edit: And here it is on Google Video. Looks like it’s on YouTube as well. We will not be cowed.