Talking Points Memo: “McCain: Constitution establishes a ‘Christian nation’”

A recent poll found that 55 percent of Americans believe the U.S. Constitution establishes a Christian nation. What do you think?

I would probably have to say yes, that the Constitution established the United States of America as a Christian nation. But I say that in the broadest sense. The lady that holds her lamp beside the golden door doesn’t say, “I only welcome Christians.” We welcome the poor, the tired, the huddled masses. But when they come here they know that they are in a nation founded on Christian principles.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I really think that anyone who is running for the privilege of upholding our Constitution should be required to actually READ the damn thing, because then we wouldn’t have to put up with bullshit like this!

In case anyone hasn’t seen it yet (poor souls), someone has posted the Penn and Teller: Bullshit! episode about the god-damned bible in its entirety on MySpace (how ’bout that, it’s actually good for something).

Elvis didn’t do no drugs!

Douchebag Virginia Representative Virgil Goode recently put his grubby, bigoted fingers down his throat and retched the following:

December 7, 2006 Dear . . . Thank you for your recent communication. When I raise my hand to take the oath on Swearing In Day, I will have the Bible in my other hand. I do not subscribe to using the Koran in any way.

Too bad you’ve got such a hard-on for your holy book when maybe you should be paying a little more attention to the Constitution — you know, that thing you’re swearing to uphold? The thing that says this?

United States Constitution, Article VI:

The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the members of the several state legislatures, and all executive and judicial officers, both of the United States and of the several states, shall be bound by oath or affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.

Look, I even bolded the important part for you. Maybe you can get one of your assistants to read it to you.

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Guys, what did I tell you about the “War on Christmas”?

WorldNutDaily has flipped the fuck out over a recent episode of “Two and a Half Men” in which Charlie Sheen sings:

Joy to the world
I’m getting laid
I’m getting laid tonight.

We’ll light the Yule log
Deck the halls
And then we’ll play some
Jingle balls.

It’s been a real long wait
This is our second date
It’s Christmas Eve
And I’m getting laid.

Oh my god, somebody parodied a Christmas carol! Will this horrible persecution never end?

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It’s that time of year again. Don Kroah of Townhall.com has spewed the following:

While Wal-Mart has apparently seen the error of its ways (or at least of its bad business judgment) and done an about-face from last year’s ban on employees’ use of the words Merry Christmas in greeting customers, the war on public celebration of one of the nation’s holiest days continues unabated.

Oh, really? I don’t know which alternate universe this clown lives in, but in this one, the “holiday shopping season” is in full swing and everyone’s been playing Christmas music since November 1st. Is this about those Atheist Gestapo troops that are going around burning down churches and destroying manger scenes? Oh, wait a minute. We live in a predominately Christian country and nothing even remotely like that has ever happened. So, pray tell, what is this about?

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This year, September 27, my birthday, has the unfortunate distinction of having been selected as “See You At The Pole” day.

Some of the Christian students at my high school had a few of these events while I was there. I just thought it was annoying — it was just another one of those “waah, we’re such a horribly persecuted minority that we have to have these little ‘clandestine’ meetings to share our horribly persecuted faith on school property” things. But I can’t be bothered to get up that early anyway, so it’s not like I’m going to be subjected to it. Let them indulge their persecution complex if they want to.

But yesterday my sister did some reading on the internets and relayed to me something truly horrifying…

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Well, see, it’s very simple. You just need to follow these eight steps. Love everyone while hating everyone, everything, and life itself, give away everything you own, follow all of the 613 commandments in the old testament better than the pharisees do while being born again and becoming like a little child, and you’re a shoo-in!

I just wonder why he didn’t mention the thing in Revelations about the population of heaven being 144,000 male virgins. Do you feel lucky?