Archive for August, 2007

Back in May I took an “honesty challenge” and listed ten reasons I wanted to lose weight. I spent most of the first part of this year in a bad place, and my list reflects that. But basically, my list was “health” (high cholesterol), “convenience” times two (difficulty finding clothing and bras), and “vanity” times [...]

Ah, I think I can hear the hysterical shrieking from here: “YOU INSULTED ISLAM! YOU INSULTED ISLAM! WHITE DEVILS! WHITE DEVILS!!” What did we do? What did we do?
A demonstration has been held in south- east Afghanistan accusing US troops of insulting Islam after they distributed footballs bearing the name of Allah.
The balls showed the [...]

Did you know that in Delhi, women are not allowed to serve alcohol? It’s for their own protection, you see. If a woman bartender thinks her customers have had enough and tries to cut them off, they will attack her, because Indian men are special, and incapable of controlling themselves when they drink. Or, (if [...]

A popular job search website was recently attacked by what has been described as a “giant, fire-breathing monster”. Many eye-witness accounts were difficult for reporters to understand, since their mouths had somehow become de-synched with what they were saying, but those who were intelligible argued over whether it was Mothra or Godzilla, and soon afterwards [...]

The Space Shuttle Endeavour has safely returned to Earth, despite a 3.5 inch gouge in its heat shield sustained during the launch. Upon touchdown, all seven crew members were heard to exclaim, “SUCK IT, ATMOSPHERE!”

The latest photographic evidence has confirmed that the purpose of Pavarotti’s recent hospital stays has been to create a mold for a wax figure of him, not to treat pancreatic cancer as was previously believed.
The singer’s friends and family intend to use the figure to enable Pavarotti to continue touring, rather than go into retirement [...]

Alas, it was a romance that was not meant to be. When a Queensland woman’s pet camel started sending her roses and seranading her through her window at night, she was flattered, but narrow cultural mores prevented her from reciprocating. Frustrated, the camel tried to relieve the tension with the family goat, but the goat [...]

I just got back from seeing Hairspray. Your drag privileges are hereby revoked until you can figure out how to act like a woman and not “tee hee hee! I’m a man in drag!! Isn’t that wacky??” Ask Robin Williams if you need some tips. You were an eyesore in an otherwise awesome movie. Props [...]

Toys ‘R’ Us has gotten on board with the lead trend for children. But, not content to just sell a poison-painted doll like all the other child trend-watchers, Toys ‘R’ Us has something different — something edgy!
Here we see the absolute latest in baby haute couture: lead-laced bibs! What better place to wear your lead [...]

CNN: Toy company CEO kills self

Elmo judges you!
Zhang Shuhong, head of the Lee Der Industrial company, reportedly went insane from guilt after seeing the newest edition of “Poisonous Paint Elmo” and retreated to an empty warehouse muttering, “Goodbye, cruel world! Adiós, mundo cruel!” Employees later found him next to a half-eaten box of Dora the [...]